4.2 When Lonely


That Sunday morning I sat brooding by the fountain when Aunt Vega came up the road. “Why are you here alone? The boys are off fishing,” she said to me.

That would be precisely the reason I was here alone. The boys were having plenty of fun on their own. They didn’t need me. “I don’t like fishing,” I said instead.

It was more that I didn’t need another friend. I had Gem, and my other friend who wouldn’t tell me his name but I called him Crowman (though not to his face).

I also had Aunt Vega.

Once I told mother I wished Uncle Altair was my dad, and she slapped me hard across the cheek and I went falling. I suppose it’s a good thing I never told her the other part of that thought- that I wished Aunt Vega was my mom.

Aunt Vega and Mother got on rather civilly, but lately they could barely stand to be around each other. It was to be expected, since they didn’t agree on much.

For example, every Sunday morning like this one, Aunt Vega would put on her best dress and sunhat and head off to church. Mother did not. She set not a foot outside her room, and possibly not her bed either. We didn’t know. On Sundays her door never opened.

“Mother says you can’t believe in alchemy and still believe in God,” I said, crudely changing the subject.

Aunt Vega snorted. “I don’t see why not. Does she think she knows everything about the world? If she does she is foolish.”

I chocked back a laugh.

“She may be satisfied with her explanation of how everything is, but she shouldn’t berate others for looking further. That being said, if you don’t have anything to do, would you like to come with me? God is always telling me how much He loves you.”

At her smile, I could feel my face finally begin to relax. “Tell Him I love Him too.”

“Wouldn’t you like to come and tell Him yourself?”

“I would,” I said. “Very much.”



Some days I looked at Deneb and saw a young Iris. Always moving, always optimistic. They were also remarkably similar in appearance.

I remember Iris from when she was a young girl. Her gaze always followed Taurus, though he never noticed.

I remember that girl, and my heart breaks for her. She was so beautiful then.

Because people in love are beautiful. Their smiles are wider. Their eyes are like stars. Maybe that was why Sterling shone so bright- he was always in love. Just never with me.

Not long after I fell out of love I went to my mother, crying. I didn’t have to explain what upset me. She already knew.

“It’s alright to be alone,” she said, her brows gently furrowed in consolation.

“I know,” I sobbed. “But I don’t want to be.”

Years later the loneliness still hits me in crippling waves. I sometimes lie in bed at night still trying to accept the fact that there will never be someone for me. But with morning I see that I do not have to be in love. The love I can give it already enough.

Some days I see Deneb and how much she is like Iris. One day she will be in love. I hope that when she does, she will shine bright, and I will see again how beautiful I was when I loved Sterling.

On these days, I know I am finally alright.


Previous post <4.1 See You Often> / Next post <4.3>

5 thoughts on “4.2 When Lonely

      1. I wondered . It felt so deep and pure. I related to it almost entirely . Really , the beauty of writing is when we see deeply inside another and find ourselves. Even in our loneliness , we are all so connected .

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s